


Putting the SMUT in SMUPPET (amongst other things)

by axietoh (psych0tastic)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:22:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25119841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psych0tastic/pseuds/axietoh
Summary: Dirk pulls a prank on John on his birthday.It backfires spectacularly.
Relationships: John Egbert/Dirk Strider
Comments: 2
Kudos: 60





	1. Chapter 1

The more he stares at it, the more the initial glee ebbs, uncertainty rushing in to take its place.

It was supposed to be a joke, alright? You thought that’d be right up his alley. He’s the resident trickster that somehow manages to rig Jane’s own cakes on her, the one who keeps Dave on his toes with unlabeled bottles of AJ, the one who takes delight in giving people large bursting bouquets with squirting flowers strategically hidden within them, that somehow go off by the receiver’s own hand. You were a recipient of that last one countless of times, and to your livid consternation of your own gay heart, you always fell for it like a sucker.

So you wanted a little payback. Why not?

You were expecting horror. Some hysterics perhaps? Maybe even laughter, if you were lucky - the bubbling giggles that you’re more taken with than you would ever admit, sweet and light, like the first taste of orange soda bursting across your tongue. You would have been glad for any of those reactions, but it seems that John Egbert will always play outside the rules of your games, an unforeseen factor you can never quite predict.

Instead of reacting in any reasonable way, he makes a considering noise, eyeing your gift with a sharp curious gaze. The obnoxious yellow-spotted blue wrapping you picked out with much care still lies in tatters across his lap.

“You know,” he drawls. _Oh no_ , you think. “I’ve always wondered about these things.”

He turns the bright orange smuppet over in his hands. Distantly, you register Dave’s horror written in every line of his face, his body. Karkat, squinting. Rose, hiding an unfurling smile behind a hand with purple painted nails.

“It’s a sex toy, right? A sex toy you built a multi-million enterprise out of?” Wait, _what_? “In the beta timeline,at least!”

He keeps turning the toy over and over, pianist fingers catching the long spindly limbs of the plush. It’s insane. He’s insane. And also still talking. Does he ever shut up?

“I mean, the nose is obviously used as a dildo. The butt though, is it...”

No warning, no shame. He rams two fingers up into the orange felt trap of your smuppet’s rump, all the way up to the knuckles. You feel as though someone shot a crackle of electricity down your spine, making you jump. Dave makes a wretched strangled noise, and sorry bro, can’t help you there, you’re also one foot inside the grave.

John laughs, amusement effervescent. Guess you got what you wanted, after all.

“It is! Man, Dirk, you are one kinky fucker.”

The grin he shoots you could kill. He still has his fingers up that ass. Good god, he’s wriggling them. That isn’t a grin anymore, that’s the sharpest smirk you’ve ever seen. You could cut yourself on it, bleed out and die, godhood be damned. Wouldn’t that be a way to go?

After a moment that is entirely too long (but also too short, the masochist side of you laments), he withdraws his fingers. His smile has softened, but his eyes are still sly. He captchalogues the smuppet. You feel sparks on your skin, an anticipation of his counter to your failed attempt of a prank. 

“Thanks for the birthday gift, Dirk. I’ll be sure to put it to good use.”


	2. Chapter 2

A few months later, on your birthday, he makes true his promise. You get one vibrating vice around your dick, and his in you as your present.

“Come on, pet,” he croons into the tender spot under your ear, at the edge of your jaw. He’s out for blood. JFC, whoever told you Egbert was an all round nice guy obviously got duped good by a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

A gasp catches in your lungs and you feel light headed. Every touch is amplified and slices through the fog in your brain to drive you closer to the edge. You’re shaking. 80% can probably be attributed to the cursed toy vibrating around your dick. Maybe 70%. 50%, at least. It’s the story of your life that your creations and machinations end up fucking you in the ass - only this time, it’s literal.

You’re not really complaining though.

Your breath stutters around the shape of a sob, and he coos in mock sympathy as if he had nothing to do with it. He holds you wide open against the spasms in your thighs, and fucks you slow and sweet against the scrape of wicked teeth against the column of your throat.

This is what ascension feels like.

Distantly, you realize he’s humming. Belatedly, you realize it’s to the tune of Happy Birthday.

You want to groan, hiss maybe, but what comes out instead is a giddy laugh, raw and unfamiliar. You can feel him smile against your skin.

“You’re a bastard,” you tell him. He lifts his head to meet your gaze, and smiles all the wider.

“Only for you,” he vows.

You wouldn’t have it any other way.


End file.
